When the going gets tough....

It's 10.15 pm and I'm sitting in the office with a cigarette in my hand and a beer on my desk. I should be finishing up an agreement which was supposed to be due yesterday but I absolutely have no more energy left to think. Today is one of those days you wonder why you're doing what you're doing in this company and if it is worth it. Hell it's only been 1 month and for the past 27 days, work has not been easy.

It has been late nights every single night and even during weekends I was expected to be at events if not in the office and if I'm home, I have stacks of proposals to read. Tomorrow is a public holiday but still I have to list down ideas and strategies to promote a particular brand. It was meeting, brainstorming, reviewing, briefing the whole day and these meetings hasn't been kind to me. My boss especially, hasn't been very kind to me. Why bother placing me in a particular project when my opinions are not even put into consideration? Let's not talk about considering, but cutting me off everytime before I even have the chance to finish half my sentence and not even looking at me (as though I'm invisible) while talking when there's only 5 person in the room sitting less than 2 feet away from one another is unbearable.

Not only that work is giving me a massive headache, now I've got personal problems to deal with. I don't even want to think about these personal stuffs because work is just too overwhelming. It's not giving me even a single minute to think about other stuffs other than work.

A good friend was giving this comment late one night when she saw me still at work "Ei, do you know your mum grow misai already? Still don't want to go home aarr?? I think your mother and your sister grow misai already also you don't know. How long you never see your mother already?' To think about it, the only time I see my mum would be in the morning before I leave for work, and late at night when I creep into the toilet in her room to have my shower while she's sleeping.

With so many things happening at the same time I wonder how long I could hold on. I can't even remember the time when I actually had a proper meal. In fact, sometimes I even forget that I am hungry and there's no food in my stomach. And to think that I live by the philosopy 'Live to eat and not eat to live'

Is it all worth it?

*sob* *sniff* 'Hey....I need to talk...'

How do you deal with a good and close friend who doesn't make an effort in a friendship, but calls you and expects you to be there for her the moment she has a guy problem? I am feeling extremely frustrated by the fact that I happen to have a friend like this and that this particular friend of mine has done it over and over again and I'm allowing it to happen yet again. Why is it so hard for people to understand that their boyfriend is not the only thing that matters in their life. Think of it this way, who are you going to run to when you fight, when he dumps you or when he cheats on you? Who are you going to cry to? Who is going to be there to give you a shoulder to cry on, console and support you?

No doubt I love this particular friend dearly, but not coming out for drinks, not calling to see how you are, not willing to even sacrifice a little of her precious time away from her 'boyfriend' (notice how I place the inverted coma, because they actually broke up but she still spends time with him during the weekends at his place) to catch up is a tad too much for me to forgive her. It makes it even worse when this has happened so many times, with all the different guys in her life *same script, different cast*. And I for a fact knows, that she's taking it for granted because she thinks she can just come back to the group anytime she wants because HER friends are just too forgiving and understanding even though it has happened a zillionth times. Why are human beings becoming so self-centered and selfish?

Everytime there is a new guy, she would go missing. There'll be no phone calls from her, she'll be unwilling to come out, she will say no to all invitations to go out just to be with her man. And yet, she expects everyone to welcome her back just like that after she has gone missing for a few months and when there are no more man in her life. I would think giving an excuse such as tired and busy is really not a good reason because I know for a fact that there are people among our group who gets off work even later than her and yet still make an effort to see their friends at least once a week. I for one, works until at least 10.30 everynight and yet I would make an effort to catch up with friends to see how they are.

I remembered a time when she first broke up with one her 'boyfriends'. The first thing she did was to call us and expects us to comfort her and support her (after she has gone missing for some time again). Coincidently we were busy with our work and before we could even find out what happened we told her to hang on for a bit and we will call her right back once we are through with our work (which was only 30 mins). The moment we hung up we got a very sarcastic sms stating how we are not there for her when she needed us the most.

At the first place has it even crossed her mind how she has treated us? Calling us only when she needed us and not even bothering to check on us when she has her 'boyfriend'?

So last night I decided, after yet another invitation to go up the hill was rejected by her because she was at her boyfriend's place, that I will no longer take this nonsense. I will not allow her to take me or to take us for granted anymore. I will not go running like a loyal friend when she needs me and I will not allow self-centered friends like this to affect me and my life.

The Ultime Pointless One

Ever encountered a moment where your mind went 'WHAT THE F**K JUST HAPPENED?' And you just stare with your mouth open and HUGE question mark on your forehead. Mixed emotions playing up, you don't know whether to scream, cry or laugh. Yup, this is what I'm feeling right now, right when the entry I spent an hour typing went missing just like that. I'm sorry my new entry has to be this way, but I can't afford to spend another hour typing it again because I just have to pick the monitor up, fling it against the wall and get an elephant to step and then sit on the DAMN CPU like RIGHT NOW!

Can I? May I? Shall I? Excuse me. Please. Thank you. Open doors. Pull out chairs.

Many years back, I remember reading an article about what makes the perfect holiday mate. Apparently, a good or close friend does not neccesary make a good holiday partner. I used to doubt the truth in the article but after spending a 4 days 3 nights trip with a group of my closest friends, i'm starting to agree with the statement.

I honestly believe that going on a trip is a good way to see the true colour of people. You will begin to notice little annoying behaviours that you may not have noticed before. Familiar faces suddenly become horrifying and revolting to you and you will realize that your friends do not seem to be who they are anymore. Every little thing that do are annoying and instead of looking at the good side of things you'll pick on their little flaws; from the things they say, the way they eat, the way they behave, the things they do and etc. You will also begin to see how some people can be so so selfish, self-centered, demanding, obnoxious and etc.

I have always place great importance on mannerism and social etiquettes. I am very particular about certain things and always pay attention to how people behave in public and especially people whom I've only just met (particularly men). I get annoyed when people do not have proper manners or do not meet the acceptable social standards. This, of course, make me even more particular towards my friends.

Being able to behave appropriately in public and knowing your manners and ettiquettes is a strength, I believe, to one's personal being. It is also one of the first few things that help you win the heart of others. Having a good attitude, being able to understand and compromise with others is also absolutely mandatory to keep friends. As much as we'd like, the world does not revolve only around us. No matter how much we tell ourselves and others that we live for ourself, we cannot deny the ugly truth that we live for and with others as well.

So, learn. Be civilize and don't be self-centered, selfish and obnoxious.

What My Father Said....

One of the few things that my friends and I enjoy the most are eating and traveling. Fortunately for us we're blessed to be born in a country with a great variety of different food (thus my size). And we gathered that since we can't afford to travel overseas on an occasional basis we'll just settle with short interstate trips.

You know, the kind of trip that takes you to Penang for the Prawn Noodles, Seremban for the Hakka Noodles, Malacca for the Satay Celup, Popiah, Chicken Rice or even Genting for the cold wind and Coffee Bean. It is one of the ways to really let go of ourselves after long stressful weeks at work. We work hard, and we play hard. We don't see no harm in doing what we enjoy occassionally because we believe that's one way of enjoying life without forgetting other responsibilities, though our parents may not totally agree (money issues here we're talking about).

The few common things that we'd most likely hear from them would be "why can't you save up that money?", "why do you always have to spend away the money once you've got them?" "why can't you prioritise the important things that you need done with that money?"

Mind you, we're a bunch of 24, 25, 26 year olds and hearing them say things like that would make one think we're a bunch of brainless demented idiots. Of course, they do have their points and they're just worried for us, but I do believe we're mature enough to know not to do things that we can't afford and that the more important things comes first (whatever that alludes to).

Last night while having dinner, my father asked me this question,
"Why do you always have to go for trips? Why can't you cut down on your activities? Why did you go for karaoke the other night? What kind of celebration were you having?"

I was dumbfounded for a moment because my father has never asked me questions like that before, and even if he did it was very very rare. Those questions would usually come from my mother. The thing about me is that I have little or no tolerance for interrogations and nags from my parents. But throughout the years I've learned to mellow down my temper. So after digesting the questions I said to him

"Well Pa, I love to travel and to see things but my last name's not Hilton nor Trump and I can't afford to go overseas occassionally for holidays so I settled with going interstates. Not forgetting also I have REAL jobs so its nice to go for a short holiday once in a while. I went Karaoke not because we had any celebration but because I wanted so much to be a famous singer but I know I can't because I don't have famous parents to help me so going for Karaoke is the only way of fulfilling my dreams by imagining myself with ecstatic fans going crazy over my beautiful voice"

So I thought that would've been the end of the story but I should've learned by now that once my parents start, they can't stop.

Then he said to me "Do you even read? Why can't you start reading self-help books?. You should start to read books like 'The 7 habits of a highly successful man' or books about famous CEOs"

For one, I love reading and I spend alot on books. I read alot of autobiographies, memoirs, business and psychology books. My father however, believes that these books are not contributing to my intellect and career and if I start reading books like "The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People" or the "Rich Dad, Poor Dad SERIES" will definitely make me the next Donald Trump (Female Version).

He believed that one of the reasons why I'm not succesful (I only graduated in 2005) is because I don't read those books. He actually said this

"You know why my ex boss's son is so succesful at such a young age? Because he reads those kind of book. And alot of successful businessmen reads those books. You know why I didn't become successful? Because I didn't read those books"

HaHaHa I seriously think it is a funny comment. How could a 60 year old man say that he did not become successful because he did not follow the footsteps of businessmen by reading those books. How does anyone justify that? So by reading books like that we would become successful? So if I read more psychological related books I'll become a famous psychiatrist? Or better still if I read more books about famous singers I'm going to be a famous superstar?

Funny how fathers can be sometimes. Maybe because my father is too bored at home with no one to challenge him and to stimulate his mind he gets all these weird thinking playing in his mind. Which, I think is why his eldest child gets sudden spasm attacks especially during work.

What is then a daughter to do but to listen to the advice. So I've decided to go to the bookstore and buy myself a copy of "Learning to Sing" written by Clay Aiken and I'm pretty sure in no time my album's going to hit the billboard. After all, parents are always right aren't they?

The Hanger-Shaped-Shoulder Man

When I was a child, my mother used to talk to me about responsibilities. Unfortunately for me, being the eldest child with a down syndrome brother and a sister 8 years my junior I will have to care and provide for them when I'm older. She has always reminded me about these responsibilities throughout the years of my life and emphasised alot on me giving the family a minimum of RMxxx to RMxxxx. I could say then these sense of responsibilities has been implanted in me ever since young. I am very well aware that I am responsibile for everything that I do and that I am also responsible for others.

What I do not understand is, how is it that a woman like me and I'm sure many others can learn the value and sense of responsibility and yet a man cannot. Countless times I've met men who runs away from responsibilities, be it work, play or emotions. The typical irresposible men I've learned to define are those who:

- very quickly blame others once they sense something is not right (no shortage of these men at my work place)
- extremely defensive of themselves
- have no thoughts about their own actions, what they say and how others feel and think
- deliberately put others down in front of other people to feed their ego, confidence and self-esteem (i conclude that people who does this all the time suffers a form of complex labeled as the Inferior Complex)
- talks too loud, brags too much, extremely bossy and declares themselves as jack of all trades
- at work, pawn their responsibility off on overworked colleagues or staff, hoping their talent will cover for their glaring ineptitude.

Men like these I would say are the worst kind ever. It makes you wonder if they would ever succeed in life. After several unsuccesful attempts of trying to teach them a thing or two about responsibilities I realise that these people do not learn. And they do not even think its an issue in their life. And so next time, to save ourselves from getting all worked up because of them, minimize all contact. Saves everyone time and oxygen.

By the way, just in case anyone's wondering about the title, my mother has told me quite a few times that one of the ways of detecting an irresponsible man from afar is the shape of their shoulder. If it slides down and shaped like a hanger, stay clear. Not sure bout the accuracy, but better be safe than sorry, no?

What's Left of Before

So as you can see those blogs are from '04 - '05 when I was still a student in Adelaide. Now I'm back and this blog's gonna revolve around my work, my friends, my family, my thoughts and the drama that unfolds every single day.

A Beautiful Love Story - not for the weak heart Jun 6, '05 3:48 AM

let me tell you a story I once heard - a spanish love story. I don't know where or not its true - I'd like to think it is - but I'll tell it to u anyway.

many years ago, when the sun burned orange all day and the night was wet with the smell of green moss and summer, two young Spanish lovers met in a little fishing village. each day they would walk, barefoot along the great winding dust road, and they would buy bread from the old merchant with the crooked smile. they would sit beneath the old olive tree and would talk and laugh and warm their faces in the sun. it was beneath this olive tree that Pedro first kissed Esmirada.

they shared their dreams with each other - Esmirada wanted to study art in Italy and one day become a famous artist. Pedro spoke of becoming the welathiest man in Spain. but they were young. and when the time came for esmirada to go off ans study, she refused to leave.

her love had grown so strong, she told Pedro, the she feared leaving him for even a moment would surely destroy her. they held each other beneath the olive tree and they wept.the next day, Esmirada waited for Pedro on the hill above the dirt road but he never came. nor did he come the next day, or the day after that....

Esmirada was heartbroken. although she searched for Pedro for many days, she never found him. she wrote to him. he never replied. Devastated, she left for Italy.

esmirada studied for several years and became a sulptor. she sculptet many fine pieces but her most cherished creation was a replica of the old olive tree she knew as a girl. she eventually became famous and at her first big international exhibition, the olive tree was sold for a large sum of money. the design was so special that many art collectors wanted Esmirada to create olive trees for their own collections. but she never sculpted another one. it was a one-off, she said.

forty years passed and Esmirada retired a wealthy and succesful artist. she married and had many children and lived in a beautiful house. Sometimes, she would think back to those warm afternoons under the olive tree, and from time to time she would wonder. then one day, she received a letter. it was from attorneys of Pedro Bandidas saying he had passed away. in his will, he had stipulated that his entire estate would be left to her. attached was a short letter that read:
"To my dear Esmirada, I became what i always dreamed I would. I am a man of greath wealth, perhaps even the richest man in Spain. My fortune is greater than any man could ever dream of and I leave it all to you - my one and only true love."

so Esmirada made the trip to Spain. She travelled to the little fishing village and walked barefoot along the great winding dust road. She bought a loaf of bread from the old merchant's store, but the old merchant had long since died. she sat beneath the old olive tree and turned her face to the sun. and she drank in the air.

Afterwards she got a driver to take her to the address she been given. before her stood a beautiful mansion. she entered and, finidng the palatial home full of Persian carpets and ornate paintings and gold trimmings, she felt her heart break for the second time.

esmirada was greeted by a man who told her, "I am the brother of Pedro. I am sorry if you have made this long journey in search of welath. My brother was a foolish man and you have abviously been led astray. he did not own this opulent home - I do. He was a poor man, he had no money. he sold what little possessions he had many years ago and all he had to show for it were the contents of this box."

And he showed her to a tall cardboard box sitting in a corner of the room gathering dust. "But he said in his letter that he was a man of greath wealth." esmirada whispered to no one in particular.

she opened the box and found a note inside. it read:
"To my dear Esmirada.To experience true love - whether it's long lasting or just for a fleeting moment - is to find eternal wealth."
And it was signed :
"From the world's richest man.

The note had was attached to a sculpted olive tree that had once belonged to a Spanish man who had sold off all his worldly possesions to buy it more than 40 years before.

The Ultimate Sacrifice Jun 6, '05 3:06 AM

Linda literally gave herself away. Linda was an outstanding teacher who felt that if she had the time, she would like to create great art and poetry. when she was 28, however, she began to get severe headaches. her doctors discovered that she had an enormous brain tumour. they told her that her chances of surviving an operation were about 2 percent. therefore, rather than operate immediately, they chose to wait for six months.

she knew she had great artistry in her. so druing those six months she wrote and drew feverishly. all of her poetry, except one piece, was published in magazines. all of her art, except one piece, was shown and sold at some of the leading galleries.

at the end of six months, she had the operation. the night before the operation she decided to literally give herself away. in case of her death, she wrote a "will" in which she donated all of her body parts to those who needed them more than she would.

unfortunately, linda's operation was fatal. subsequently, her eyes went to an eye bank and from there went to a recipient. a young man, age 28, went from darkness to sight. that young man was so profoundly grateful that he wrote to the eye bank thanking them for existing. furthermore he said he wanted to thank the parents of the donor. they must indeed be magnificent folks to have a child who would give aways her eyes. he was given the name of the family and decided to see them. he arrived unannounced and rang the doorbell. after hearing his introduction, linda's mum reached out and embraced him. she said' young man, if you've got nowhere to go, my husband and I would love for u to spend your weekend with us".

he stayed, and as he was looking around linda's room, he saw that she's read plato. he'd read plato in Braille. she's read Hegel. he'd read Hegel in Braille.

the next morning Linda's mum was looking at him and said, 'you know, i'm sure i've seen you somewhere before, but i don't know where'. all of a sudden she remembered. she ran upstairs and pulled out the last picture linda had ever drawn. it was portrait of her ideal man.

the picture was virtually identical to this young man who had received linda's eyes. then her mum read the last poem linda had written on her deathbed. it read

Two hearts passing in the night
falling in love
never able to gain each other's sight.

Bliss.... Mar 22, '05 5:28 AM

Tuesday morning twilight. 1 person. 1 glass. Half a bottle of beautiful red wine. Aahhh Life is Beautiful.....*hiccup*

Leaving on Virgin Blue..... Mar 2, '05 4:18 AM

A new chapter is now beginning in my life. Soon has left for sydney and he'll be there till the end of the year. I'll only see him once more in april for graduation and then i won't be seeing him anymore unless he goes back to malaysia at the end of the year. I'm beginning to feel like I'm embracing a whole new experience. Ever since our college years we've been inseperable. though it might have only been 5 years, I feel like I've known him all my life. The quality of time we spent together can never be compared to anything. it has reached to the point where he's like my own blood...my twin. He's the only one whom i can turn to when anything happens. the only who truly understands how i feel and what i'm thinking. he's my shoulder to cry on, my pillow when i sleep at night, my heart, my soul.........my life support. we've been living for nearly 2 years together and we've never been apart for so long. he's become a part of my life, someone i can't live without. I feel like I'm standing all alone.....in the middle of a place full of people walking about but i don't know which way to go. I feel lost. Its like I've lost my sight. Soon I will be back in Malaysia, without him for the first time, having to adapt to the new changes all over again. Though Malaysia is my home, and though it might have only been 2 years, I've already given my self to Australia.... to their lifestyle, to their culture and to their rituals. I came to this strange place with Soon beside me....the both of us....embracing this new world. but now...he's gone to start a new life of his own...and i know i should to....without him. and I wish him the best in everything.... may he find happiness and i truly love him with all my heart.

how do we say 'no'? Feb 20, '05 10:09 AM

today, as i was in the shower i got to thinking.....after 22 years of living in a world where its only normal to being selfish and unaffected by emotional responsibilities, i still can't say 'no'. not that i can't say it literally...but i just can't say it to a favor. no matter how reluctant i am or how absurd the favor might be...i still can't say it! i'd always say yes...and then blame myself for being so weak and not being able to stand up! everytime i said 'no' i'd feel so guilty and then imagine how i'd feel if i were to ask someone a favor and they rejected me. not that i'm not willing to help...but sometimes these favors are ridiculous! and i know they ask me because they know i can't say 'no'! but then i thought again....not only can i not say 'no' to favors...i can't say 'no' to anything! its like i'm born a 'yes' person. 'gigi, can u do this for me, can u do that for me, can u carry this for me, can u hold that for me, can u drive me here, can u drive me there, can u get me this, can u get me that, can u blah blah blah and everything and anything would be a yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!' i can't live through myself for saying no!! but then again, come to think of it...i'm sure there'll be times when i need help...and i'll know for sure its their turn to not able to say 'no'!!

I did a mean thing today.... Jan 21, '05 11:22 PM

Today, I did a very mean thing....It wasn't exactly mean because I have my rights but I just wasn't used to doing it. Just two hours back I went to dominos to get some pizzas. when i got home and opened the box i was very dissappointed because it was so empty. Mind u, I ordered the new chicken alfredo and there are $2 surcharges for it because there were supposed to have more ingredients and the chickens were big pieces of chicken. But what i had was just a few pieces of chicken, some very small pieces of capsicum and some tiny mushroom. there weren't even much cheese on it! When i took a piece and bite on it, it felt like i was eating a flat piece of bread! So, I took the pizza, drove back up to dominos and told them to replace it. this is the conversation

me: Hi, i'm sorry but i'm not very satisfied with the pizza. its so empty. when i ate it, it felt like i ate nothing. when i ordered it the last time there were more chicken and more stuffs on it. this is....its not a pizza...

1st domino guy: oh is it? ermm...wait i'll just check with my colleague(he took the pizza show it to his colleague, spoke for a few minutes and then another girl came back with my pizza)

2nd domino girl: excuse me, erm...the pizza is not empty.

me (half raising my voice): huh? Look....there aren't many chicken on it, there weren't much stuffs on it. i can practically count the capsicum and the chicken. when i ordered it the last time it has more stuffs on it! I'm not satisfied with it!(domino girl still wouldn't nudge. and just looked at me)

me: And the box said if i wasn't satisfied i can replace it! (at this point i felt like slapping her because she was gaving me 'attitude')

2nd domino girl: yeah right ok....i'll replace it for you.(and just walked away)Aarrghhh of all the nerves! So I just left and waited in the car. 15 minutes later 1st domino guy came out with my pizza and apologized. The result? Look at the pic...

Be my friend....and I will be yours..... Jan 18, '05 10:22 PM

Sometimes I think to myself if true friends are really that hard to find? What happens when u honestly and sincerely be-friend someone but they do not want your friendship? Sometimes i think it was me, who brought it all upon myself. What is the point of being nice and truthful to someone when they are not truthful to u? why do people wear masks everyday and embrace it like it is their true self? But i guess the world isn't a fair plase is it? Being nice to others does not neccesarily mean they have to be nice to you. But as long as I have done my part...I am proud of myself......

What do u do?? Jan 15, '05 6:22 AM

What do u do, when u try to reach out to someone, and they block u away? What do u do, when u try all u can to understand them, and they just avoid u? what do u do, when u sincerely care for someone, and they just reject u? what do u do, when u take ur heart out and they just push it aside? what do u do, when u love someone with all u have, in the name of friendship, and they just ignore u? what can u do, but to wait, and let them know, u'll always be there, by their side, to care, support and encourage them in whatever they do, and will never give up hope on them. only hoping that they will realize, appreciate and open themselves up again to u....

The heartache, The heartbreak.... Jan 4, '05 10:37 PM

Sometimes I wonder, if love really is such a big problem in one's life? Why do we always get affected with love problems or relationship problems like its the end of the world? There are worse things in life and yet it still does not hurt us as much as love does. wht is this thing here that plays such great importance in one's life?

I've just witnessed one of the funniest 'love story' and I find it absurd that anyone involved in it should feel any sadness or be so affected by it that they are ignoring other important stuffs in their life. Its like one of those teenage love stories we watch on movie and I'm not saying that young kids can't understand love but do they actually know how to handle it? Do they expect to be together forever with the love that they've found? Do teenagers actually understand what love is? What is their definition of love? do their love involve just seeing each other, being together and the feeling of 'cant-live-without-u'?

I have noticed heaps of kids reckon they are in love when they assume they can't live without one another. and then they torture themselves with drinking and smoking once they are faced with a tiny problem. it is true that love is one important part of one's life, it is only a part. one small important part amongst other things. its not the end of the world even if we've lost it....when that piece of puzzle is missing something else will replace it. even if we do think its the end of the world, never fear, give it some time and I believe it will eventually come back whole new!

Its NudEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee Time!!!!! Dec 26, '04 11:52 PM

Imagine yourself at a beautiful beach....with white sands and clear blue sea......and you're surrounded by different kinds of penises. Hahahaah what a way to start a day! Went to Maslin Beach yesterday and half of the beach is a nude beach and the other half is not. So, we decided we're gonna be hanging at the nude half! Hahahah there were heaps of penises and very little breasts. I wouldn't mind them if they were not old and ugly! hahahaha there are some which are wrinkly, some too dark, some too short, some extremely long, some like nothing and some with too long a forsekin!! hahahahahaha it was hillarious! the most ridiculous thing is there was this guy sitting 6 feet away from us and he was having a hard on!! and he was touching it! hahahaahaha he was really fair and he had a pink penis. it was so funny!! I went sun tanning and instead of having a lovely bronze I'm now an ugly black! So much for sun

I Am Sad....... Nov 12, '04 11:45 AM

all of a sudden i feel a longing for him..... all this while i've been going fine, going strong and suddenly it just hit me. seems like i've been lying to myself all this while....hiding away....not daring to confront my own feelings. i just feel like i need to cry....cry my heart out.....its been a long time since i really cried. i wish i knew what was going on in his mind. i wish i knew what he was doing. the yearn for him is so strong it aches just to even think of him. there are so many questions that i have no answers to. all the time, i kept pushing all my thoughts and feelings away.....covering myself up.....trying to shift my mind to other things. people keep telling me im not made of steel..... that i should accept the fact that i am very much affected by it. that i am SAD. yes...that word. SAD. I am so sad. So Very Sad. Now I can truly understand why people keep saying that my smile and my laughter is not sincere. That its a hard laugh and a stiff smile. I should learn to accept it.....this sadness.....this sadness which is torturing me....which is making my heart sour.....I Am So Sad.

How could the one I gave my heart to
Break my heart so bad
How could the one who made me happy
Make me feel so sad
Won't somebody tell me
So I can understand
If you love me
How could you hurt me like that

How could the one I gave my world to
Throw my world away
How could the one who said "I love you"Say the things you say
How could the one I was so true to
Just tell me lies
How could the one I gave my heart to
Break this heart of mine
Tell me...

How could you be so cold to me
When I gave you everything
All my love
All I had inside

How could you just walk out the door
How could you not love me anymore
I thought we had foreverI can't understand

How could the one I shared my dreams with
Take my dreams from me
How could the love that brought such pleasure
Bring such misery
Won't somebody tell me
Somebody tell me please
If you love me
How could you do that to me
Tell me...

Donation Time.......... Nov 1, '04 12:03 PM

I had the most embarassing moment in my life today when i was doing some blood donation. It all started when I've finally decided I was gonna donate my blood today because I've got the car for the week (Ying's car cause they've gone back to Malaysia to attend a wedding).

I've been putting off donating blood because I kept having to wait till Ying's free to take me to the centre and then have to make sure I'm not doing anything and she's not doing anything as well and so yeah...I've finally managed to get it done today!

Eversince I donated a couple of times in Malaysia I've begun to feel addicted to donating blood. It gives me the hype....hahah I'm weird.

So Anyway, I went to the red cross centre, filled up the forms, and then there's this guy there who'll make sure u drink heaps of water or juice (they've got a juice machine there where u can drink for free....apple or orange....your choice.....cool eh?), and then he'll have to interview the donors before they can actually donate.

So, he took me to a room did some blood test and found out my haemoglobin is on the minimum scale....which means I need more iron on my blood, then asked a couple more questions and at the same time forcing me to drink more water and then after that took me to the donation room. It's a fairly huge room with a lot chairs for donors to sit while their blood are slowly being sucked out. Hahaha I'm such a drama queen.

As I was saying, alot of the donors are middle aged women and men and me and Ricky were the only young ones there and right after the blood bag is filled up, that's when it all begans. I was sitting on a reclining chair during the donation and when I was done the nurse put the chair back to its upright position and immediately I began to feel dizzy and hot. The nurse was asking if i felt dizzy and I said yes and then she quickly put the chair back down asking me to lie down and then!!!!!! she took 5 pieces of really cold cloth...put one on my forehead, put two on each of my hands and then used a really big Chinese traditional fan where we used to hang on the walls for decoration and started fanning me.

It was so embarassing because all these middle aged people around me were like getting up and going straight after they've finished and they were looking at me with the look that says "Look at how weak this young lady is". And with all the cloths around me I look like a mummy! And then I had to go use the toilet because I had so much water and the nurse was holding me and slowly taking me to the toilet and was waiting for me outside the toilet!

when I came out all the people were looking at me like I'm some kind of useless person. the nurse was really great, treating me like i'm a queen or something, making sure I've rest enough before letting me go, making sure I eat something there before I leave.....sigh...... it proves how weak I've become every since coming to Aus..... and you'd think I should be even stronger with all the good food, wine and the size I've grown into......I've never had this prob when I donated blood in Malaysia. But anyhow, I'm still gonna do it again 3 months later.....but this time I'll make sure I eat heaps of healthy food, eat heaps of iron and drink heaps of water! There u have it!

Just like any other day....... Oct 7, '04 11:56 PM

Today is a boring day. Got up at 10.45 when Ying called and said she's just right outside my house. Hahaha we had a tutorial at 11 and that leaves me with 15 minutes to get ready and be there.

When I got out of my room to check if Soon is awake (we have all the same classes), I saw that he's actually doing a 'big business' in the toilet. So told him to hurry up cause Ying is outside and blah blah blah. Went to class and after class went and collect my Psych Report on Porcellio Scabers. I actually got a Credit!!! I couldn't believe it because I didn't really put much effort on it and I thought I was only gonna get a Pass. So well then that's one good piece of news for the day.

Then went to see Lyn my course coordinator for Social Psych cause I needed an extension for the assignment I'm working on at the moment. It is so tough!! I don't usually take extensions and this is actually the first time I'm getting one because I know I won't be able to finish it by today. So I've got extension till Monday.

Not feeling too good at the moment because its the time of the month. Pretty hungry but I've got no appetite and I'm too lazy to cook. I reckon I'm just gonna go into the kitchen and see what I have in the cupboard.

Oh and one more thing. The day I came back from Sydney, Soon wanted to wash all our dirty clothes. When he went into the laundry room he saw that our laundry detergeant has finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The BLOODY PIG used up all our laundry detergeant and he didn't even bother getting a new one!!!! What an Idiot!! I've never met anyone as terrible as him. No wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend and no friends!!! I know I'm mean by saying this but I really can't stand him anymore!!!!!!HOW STUPID!!